"Goodbye Mom" October 17, 2017

My mom passed away the afternoon of October 17, 2017. The only post I made to Facebook that day was in the morning. I posted the verse Psalm 46:10, but as written to me.

"Be still and know that He is God; He will be exalted among the nations, He will be exalted among the earth."

Originally posted 10/17/17

"Without God There Is No Meaning" October 15, 2017

"I never wished so bad that my mom would open her eyes, if only for a second to see me standing here next to her. I would tell her I love her.

My friends, my heart is broken to see my mom like this. But the truth is, there is more meaning to life. But without God there is no meaning. Without God there is just chaos, loneliness, unhappiness, desperation and emptiness. For those who live life like this, without the hope of God, I don’t know how they get by.

The phrase, “It is what it is,” is not the truth. It doesn't have to be. God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell, eternity, these things are all real. And knowing this can give our life purpose. It can give our life meaning. But only with God.

To believe that “life is all about us” is the biggest lie we can tell ourselves. To the person who truly loves God and walks with Him, who reads and obeys God's words, who strives to know more and fellowships with God and other believers, that person knows and understands that life is not about “them” and that its about “Him,” the Lord our God. And when we can truly understand that… when we can truly understand that all of us are but a breath, a mist that's here for just a moment, only then can we start to put things into perspective.

If this situation with my mom has taught me anything it is this: Life is incredibly short. Much, much shorter than we realize. But everything in the life we do have is about God. It’s about understanding that we were created for a purpose, something bigger and better than ourselves. Because this world is not our final destination. All of us are going to die one day. It’s what we do and say now that we’ll live with for the rest of eternity. Sadly, it’s taken me 38 years, a failed marriage, a near-death experience and a sick mom to finally come to this realization: Everything in life is about God, not me.

Even my mom, despite this terrible sickness she is suffering, she sees how God is using her weakness to minister to others around her about Him. And when mom could still talk, only just a couple weeks ago, mom and I discussed the many things which God has done and is still doing through her illness.

Yes, I wish and pray everyday that God would heal her. But then I ask myself "why?" If Heaven is our final destination and eternity with God is where we want to be, why do I want to hold my mom back from that? Why do I want mom to live on in such a troubled, sinful world? I realized, it’s my own selfishness. It’s wanting my happiness over hers.

Even so, It crushes my heart to think about life without my mom and to see my family so sad. But I believe that mom is in the hands of God. And because that’s where she is, that’s where I want to be also.

I can’t make anyone believe in God. God gave us all free will to choose Him. He did this because he wanted to have a genuine relationship with his creation. He didn’t make us all robots programmed to love Him. He created each one of us and breathed his life into each of us. And because He did, we all have a desire to want to find out why we're here. Who created us?

Some may read this post and think, "Oh, Paul, this has made you too religious" or "Religion is how Paul is coping with this." But I think the difference between “religion” and “Christianity" is this: Religion is the search for something greater than ourselves. Christianity is the understanding truth that there is a God and the desire to have a relationship with Him. He’s our dad. He loves us and He loves my mom. And, most importantly, He loves you."

Originally published to Facebook 10/15/17

"I Cried Out To God" October 14, 2017

“I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?” Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭77:1-14‬
Jenna, Dan, Shelley

Originally published to Facebook 10/14/17

"This Is Not My Mom" October 13, 2017

"Sitting here next to my mom. But this is not my mom. This is a fragile shell of who my mom used to be. I talk to her, but she is not there. I know she can hear me. Yet, I don't know what to say. I pray and I pray. Come quickly Lord. My mother needs you. Deliver her and save her. Come quickly God. In Jesus name I pray."

Originally published to Facebook 10/13/17

"Even If" October 12, 2017

Mercy Me - Even If"

"They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't
It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Originally published to Facebook 10/12/17

"Hear Me Cry Oh God" October 11, 2017

8:28 AM
"Bless the Lord oh my soul. Bless and praise His Holy name. Though troubles surround me and my heart is in pain, I will praise the Holy name of Jesus. He is the firm rock on which I stand. His Words bring me peace and understanding. Still, hear my cry oh God. Give in unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you as my heart grows faint."

6:04 PM
"'You have rejected us, God, and burst upon us; you have been angry—now restore us! You have shaken the land and torn it open; mend its fractures, for it is quaking. You have shown your people desperate times; you have given us wine that makes us stagger. But for those who fear you, you have raised a banner to be unfurled against the bow. Save us and help us with your right hand, that those you love may be delivered.

Give us aid against the enemy, for human help is worthless. With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies.'
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭60:1-5, 11-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Dan, Jenna, Shelley"

Originally published to Facebook the morning and evening of 10/11/17

"The Post Mom Was Too Sick To Read" October 10, 2017

"I love you mom. Please, please know this. I wish it were me going through this and not you. You don't deserve this. I do. You have been a stronger voice for God than I have. You have walked a better Christian life than I have. You've been a better spouse than I have. You've had stronger faith than I have. You've read more Bible than I have. You've listened to more Biblical teachings than I have. You've given more testimony of God's goodness than I have. While you've read the Bible, I've watched tv. While you've sung praises to God, I've sang meaningless songs. While you've spent time alone praying to God, I've gone out to bars. While you've been filled with Holy Spirit, I've filled my gut with food, beer and wine. You've given generously, I've hoarded onto junk. It should be me.

It is me that deserves this disease. Not you. God knows I wish I could take your place.

But I need you to know how much I love you. And that I'm not giving up hope. My hope is STILL in God and in God alone."

Originally published to Facebook 10/10/17 

"Restart Button" October 5, 2017

"In the summer of 2006, the “Restart Button” on my life was pressed. And, as everyone knows, when the restart button is pressed, if you haven’t saved your current progress, you have to start back at the beginning.

At that time, I had no idea what would become of my life or what God had in store for my future. Still, I hung onto the promise He made which was to “fully restore me.” At the time, I didn’t know what that restoration would look like, but I was anxious and ready to find out.

Fast forward a few months later to December 2006. Before Facebook would dominate the Social Interwebs, I was on MySpace chatting with friends looking for something to do that New Year’s Eve. I had just completed my outpatient physical therapy after having been in physical rehabilitation for seven weeks, following a coma for six and a half weeks as a result of a car accident. I was feeling pretty good but I couldn’t drive anywhere because, due to a brain injury, I was waiting to take my drivers test again. In the meantime, I was back at home living with my parents, but I was desperate to get out and do something.

On MySpace my friend Emily messaged me and said that the church she was attending, Grace Church in Wooster, was having a New Year’s Eve service and that some people were getting together afterwards. However, I couldn't drive and Wooster was about a two-hour drive from my parents house. Still, my dad, seeing how desperate I was to get out, said that if I could stay the night with my Wooster friends, Chad and Natalie Kohler, he would drive me all the way down there. So, I messaged my friends and they said I could stay with them that night. So my dad drove me all the way to Wooster that evening. At the end of the church service, Chad’s wife, Natalie, was having a get together at her parents house and we left for that.

At Natalie’s parents house, the gathering was mostly made up of “couples.” I didn’t see any single ladies for a little while. Then, a beautiful single brunette walked into the room and I could not take my eyes off her. I walked my feeble self up to Caroline and started making small talk. The small talk turned into medium talk. And, before I knew it, we literally talked all night long and we never left each other’s side.

Soon midnight would bring 2007. And, though I felt like I had known her my whole life, we didn't kiss at midnight. I think we maybe hugged. Nevertheless, 2007 was here and on October 6, 2007, I would marry my beautiful Caroline.
The next ten years would be filled with hills and valleys, stressful times and peaceful times, heartbreaking losses but wonderful, heartwarming, gains. And, through it all, we have remained by each other’s side. Just like that New Year's Eve in 2006. And today, looking at all that God has given me, I see now how He has restored me.

So for my Caroline, my best friend, my love, my wife, I look forward to what God has for us. I look forward to raising our two beautiful children and spending the rest of our lives together. Right here. Right by each other’s side where we started.
Happy 10 Year Anniversary Caroline!"

Originally published to Facebook 10/5/17

"Perseverance" September 17, 2017

"Perseverance - "steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success."

The Word of God says, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:1-5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Perseverance is the ability to keep going and hanging on. “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” - Romans 5:5

Keep going. Hope."

Originally published to Facebook 9/17/17

"We Will Praise You No Matter What" Septermber 7, 2017

"Dear God,
We’re not sure what you’re doing. We don’t know why you haven’t answered our prayer. We feel completely paralyzed, separated, and heartbroken. We wish we had more hope. We wish we had more faith. We wish we had more trust. But we feel hallow and defeated inside. Yet, somewhere, deep in the bottom of our hearts, we still believe you can change this situation. The sliver of hope and faith we do have, still believes you can heal mom. Yet, it is the unknown which scares us and causes us to detach and separate ourselves from the entire situation to protect our hearts and spirits from being completely shattered. Lord God, there’s a mountain on top of us that needs to be moved and a mustard seed of faith is all we have left.

Lord, you are the Hope for the hopeless. You are the Faith for the faithless. You are the Strength for the weak. You are Trustworthy. Therefore, what small amount of hope we still have, we put in you. What sliver of faith we still cling to, we turn over to you. You are our Father, our deliverer, our Peace.

Let us remember your words, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” - 2 Corinthians 4:8-18 NIV

We will praise you oh Lord no matter what. We will give thanks in all circumstances since this is your will for us in Christ Jesus. Renew us oh Lord. Strengthen us. Let us not lose heart. Set our focus on what is unseen and not what is seen. Let the life of Jesus be revealed in this situation. It is in Jesus name we pray, Amen."

Originally published to Facebook 9/7/17

"'The Great Facilitator'" August 29, 2017

"My friend Sarah Mourer posted this and I thought it was really good. 'Devotional Nugget #828: "The disciples didn’t notice the fulfillment of many Scriptures at the time, but after Jesus was glorified, they remembered that what was written about him matched what was done to him." John 12:16 MSG God knows what is best and there are moments when He hides Himself. However, when the time is right, He is revealed and the impact is life changing. The disciples knew the Scriptures, but they may have behaved differently if they had put it all together. They had to think and wrestle with what they saw and heard, but they might have lost some of that had they realized that many prophecies were coming to fruition before their eyes. They might have lost empathy. 'Jesus is going to die a miserable death, but that's His lot in life.' The disciples anguished over Jesus' death. And what about Mary and Joseph?!? What would they have done differently had they understood, really understood? There's another example when Jesus appeared to two disciples after His death and resurrection. The disciples were on the road to Emmaus discussing Jesus' death. The conversation would have completed changed had they known that resurrected Jesus was walking with them. However Jesus' identity remained hidden from them until the right moment for maximum impact. The key is that God doesn't hide Himself to frustrate us, but to allow us to dig deeper or to facilitate greater revelation about something. I think that one of God's names should be The Great Facilitator.'" Originally published to Facebook 8/29/17

"In Tragedy Or In Victory" August 24, 2017

"I had a good time visiting and staying with my mom last night. I was glad to be with her and keep her company.

Because I have not written a formal update for a while, and several people have asked, I will update you.

Over the last two years, mom has gone through several forms of chemotherapy, immunotherapy and several trial drugs. None of them have worked. The various forms of therapy, in combination with the drugs and pain killers, have made mom very weak and very sick. And while mom has had a couple days where she feels better than others, she is always in a lot of pain and always very tired.

Since her treatments have not shown significant results, the doctors have told us there is nothing else they can do for her except try to make her comfortable. From what I've been told, the tumor in her abdomen has grown quite large and is wrapped around her liver and spleen. They cannot remove it.

I never thought it would come to this. I had fully expected that the Lord would heal her through His divine power or that He would lead us to a drug that would work for her by now. I never thought I would see my mom in so much pain, frustration and sadness.

But God can still do anything. He can still heal her. He can still lead us to a new form of medication that can help. In Christ all things are possible.

For those of you who know me and my family, you know how our family responds to both tragedy and victory in the face of impossible situations. In both, we never stop believing. We never stop trusting. We never stop hoping.

Some mornings I wake up hoping this was all just a nightmare. I'm always heartbroken to learn it isn't. Most days I feel paralyzed, emotionally and spiritually. But my faith, hope and trust in Christ Jesus is still very much alive.

Our pastor recently reminded us that the Bible isn't full of stories of what "people" can do. It's full of stories of what "God" can do. And our family has seen first hand God's healing power. So my faith, my trust and my hope is in Him. And regardless of how this situation ends, in tragedy or in victory, my love and faith in Christ will not be shaken.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. They mean so much to me and my family. Bless you all."

Originally published to Facebook 8/24/17

"Goodbye Hunter" August 13, 2017

"This morning we unexpectedly said "goodbye" to our family's most beloved pet and the best dog we've ever had, "Hunter."
Hunter came into our lives at a very significant time, when I came home from the hospital after my car accident in 2006. He was just a puppy. Hunter was here for the births of Myles, Josiah and Millie and he loved playing with the kids. When he wasn't playing with the kids, he was playing with the neighbors dogs and keeping mom and dad company. And when mom got sick, he would not leave her side.

We're going to miss him. A good boy. A good dog. Goodbye Hunter."

Originally published to Facebook 8/13/17